Anger, Sadness, Disappointment.

Anger, Sadness, Disappointment.

These emotions tend to blend together these days.  Frustration.

It starts as anger and frustration... but ends is sadness, and I think that confuses me.

I know what anger is.  I know what sadness is.  But when they blend together I have a difficult time deciphering what my true thoughts are... whether my thoughts are just or at fault.  The emotion is often too strong for me to control, which is a scary thought.  Its noteworthy that this is only something that has been happening more recently...

reasons?  I'm not sure.  Perhaps I'm just stretching myself too thin, and being tired and fatigued leads to a greater susceptibility to my emotions.  A second thought is that the things that tend to set me off, are related to things I have a strong passion/commitment to, so they strike closer to the heart.  More of me is invested into it and so I take these wounds deeper.

In either sense it worries me.  I do not like losing control and often these emotions leave me at the brink.  While I know myself to be a person that can have strong emotions, I pride myself in being one that stays pretty even keel despite the situation.  Recently, I've found myself quite off keel.

Prov 23:12
"Apply your heart to discipline
And your ears to words of knowledge."

Contentment

Oh, hey... Contentment.  I've seen that topic before.  Mr. xanga saw it before.  Mr. facebook notes probably saw it before.  Random rant to friends saw that before too.

Context:  I was recently asked a very deep and pointed question:  "Are you content where you're at in life?"

As I sit here... my mind is blown.  Ha.  Its such an overwhelming question... my mind overflows with the possible answer and directions to take that question...

the TL;DR answer:  Yes, because my heart is at peace.

The deeper thought which I know is of course the only reason you would visit my wonderful blog... (hopefully the verbose sentence structure cued you in to the sarcasm in that last sentence rather than leading you to a thought of my vast arrogance... which is better displayed in this explanation sentence =P)

Where was I?  Oh yes, avoiding the question.

Am I content.... where I'm at in life?  Two questions or one?

Am I content?  No.  Will get to this later if I'm not tired by the end of the thought or answer to the full question.

Am I content in my stage of life?  I think I've been reminded plenty how lucky i am.  Are things how i planned them to be?  Nope.  Could i imagine things "better"... I can imagine very awesome scenarios... but do I believe God has placed me in the perfect situation for me right now... yes.  I believe he is sovereignly providing for me all that I need and should have.

My job.  My church.  My responsibilities.  My struggles.  My relationships.  My struggling relationships ha.  My family.  My ________.  Iono.  My everything.

Even in the negative... its not that negative, which is more reason to be content and grateful.

God really has been good.  Its been an awesome year.  Seeing my church grow.  My school development.  Seeing students come and go.  Seeing the bigger picture in so many aspects of my life.  And I believe there is a lot in connection with me seeing the bigger picture and me being content.

Is there more I desire?  Definitely, and I strive to it under God's timing.  This is where I desire to NOT be content.  To not be complacent.  To not settle.  To see how I can be more.  Do more.  How many opportunities I have.  How many positions and opportunities He provides for me... and how i can use them...

How He is gracious is the friendships he provides for me... friendships I must be wise in... to be bold or cautious.... assertive or patient.... to love and encourage or love and rebuke.  God is good and he has been gracious.

Am I content in life? Yes I am.  Amazed at God and asking for more because I know to expect more from Him than I can even imagine.

Good night.