Anger, Sadness, Disappointment.

Anger, Sadness, Disappointment.

These emotions tend to blend together these days.  Frustration.

It starts as anger and frustration... but ends is sadness, and I think that confuses me.

I know what anger is.  I know what sadness is.  But when they blend together I have a difficult time deciphering what my true thoughts are... whether my thoughts are just or at fault.  The emotion is often too strong for me to control, which is a scary thought.  Its noteworthy that this is only something that has been happening more recently...

reasons?  I'm not sure.  Perhaps I'm just stretching myself too thin, and being tired and fatigued leads to a greater susceptibility to my emotions.  A second thought is that the things that tend to set me off, are related to things I have a strong passion/commitment to, so they strike closer to the heart.  More of me is invested into it and so I take these wounds deeper.

In either sense it worries me.  I do not like losing control and often these emotions leave me at the brink.  While I know myself to be a person that can have strong emotions, I pride myself in being one that stays pretty even keel despite the situation.  Recently, I've found myself quite off keel.

Prov 23:12
"Apply your heart to discipline
And your ears to words of knowledge."

Contentment

Oh, hey... Contentment.  I've seen that topic before.  Mr. xanga saw it before.  Mr. facebook notes probably saw it before.  Random rant to friends saw that before too.

Context:  I was recently asked a very deep and pointed question:  "Are you content where you're at in life?"

As I sit here... my mind is blown.  Ha.  Its such an overwhelming question... my mind overflows with the possible answer and directions to take that question...

the TL;DR answer:  Yes, because my heart is at peace.

The deeper thought which I know is of course the only reason you would visit my wonderful blog... (hopefully the verbose sentence structure cued you in to the sarcasm in that last sentence rather than leading you to a thought of my vast arrogance... which is better displayed in this explanation sentence =P)

Where was I?  Oh yes, avoiding the question.

Am I content.... where I'm at in life?  Two questions or one?

Am I content?  No.  Will get to this later if I'm not tired by the end of the thought or answer to the full question.

Am I content in my stage of life?  I think I've been reminded plenty how lucky i am.  Are things how i planned them to be?  Nope.  Could i imagine things "better"... I can imagine very awesome scenarios... but do I believe God has placed me in the perfect situation for me right now... yes.  I believe he is sovereignly providing for me all that I need and should have.

My job.  My church.  My responsibilities.  My struggles.  My relationships.  My struggling relationships ha.  My family.  My ________.  Iono.  My everything.

Even in the negative... its not that negative, which is more reason to be content and grateful.

God really has been good.  Its been an awesome year.  Seeing my church grow.  My school development.  Seeing students come and go.  Seeing the bigger picture in so many aspects of my life.  And I believe there is a lot in connection with me seeing the bigger picture and me being content.

Is there more I desire?  Definitely, and I strive to it under God's timing.  This is where I desire to NOT be content.  To not be complacent.  To not settle.  To see how I can be more.  Do more.  How many opportunities I have.  How many positions and opportunities He provides for me... and how i can use them...

How He is gracious is the friendships he provides for me... friendships I must be wise in... to be bold or cautious.... assertive or patient.... to love and encourage or love and rebuke.  God is good and he has been gracious.

Am I content in life? Yes I am.  Amazed at God and asking for more because I know to expect more from Him than I can even imagine.

Good night.

Battle of Ages...

Black Friday spent with the youth of my church. Average age... most like High school. Had a good time and in the midst of this I realized something that made me think. Amongst the sea of high school and college students I was in my element. Not that it was where I prefer to spend my days --- cause who would want that? =P. But I was comfortable. At any moment amongst that group, I could continue the conversation or begin a new one. Another way of putting it, I was in... on what was in. I had an understanding of their general psyche... or perhaps I had enough experience and information to keep the occupied in the conversation. I then questioned whether I was equally as efficient with my peers and I quickly knew the answer to that question. No. Definitely not. Another disturbing thing was that I also did not share an interested in what is often discussed amongst my peers. Conversation comparision: High school/College: Future plans --- college apps, picking classes, homework and assignments, job search. tests and applications Dating. Boys. Girls. etc. Hobbies. Video games, sports. School, teachers, classmates. Family. Daily life. Postgrad: Frankly, I can't say I know exactly what to put here. Topics that I find difficult to follow... They tend to follow two lines: --- stresses of life/responsibilities/things to complain about. work, family, dating --- superficial things to distract video games? sports. dating ha. food. The lists seem similar... so what the different response? I am far less informed about things with my peers. I have no clue what office work is life. Office politics, the stresses of a 8-5 job. 52 work weeks a year. Raising a family. Even a complicated dating relationship... managing bills, family issues, career changes, job hunts. All I'm fairly ignorant of. My point in all this? I'm not sure. Except I'm pleased that I can connect with the youth, but disturbed that this is not the same with my peers. In terms of the superficial conversation --- its about the same for both groups. Yet, I'm perfectly happy talking games and sports with the youth but it bothers me to have these same conversations with my peers. Is it a double standard? If a superficial conversation with youth turns to something of more substance I am impressed. If a conversation with a peer ends up in the superficial I am disappointed, often expecting/hoping it to be of something of more substance. Then again I am guilty of this myself. But is it right for me to expect more? Where's that leave me... I'm not sure. I know one thought of mine was that I feel more comfortable amongst the youth. I think I let go more and be myself... whereas I hesitate with peers. I need to be myself in all situations. I think I need a better understanding of what my peers go through on a daily basis... I think due to my upbringing and choice of career, I don't have as much in common. This thought has no end, just reflecting... any thoughts from outside my brain?

Grrr...

Realized my embedded youtube links were put in wrong... time for a youtube heavy post.

Still - Hillsong

Because today in the midst of everything, I started humming this song.  A peace this world can not give... =D




Little Fall of Rain - Les Miserables

My favorite musical of all time.  Coming soon again as a movie motion picture.



Movie Trailer

Stillness and finding Stillness

2 days of school.  2 days of work.

This week is looking to be a good week and I look forward to rest.  Not necessarily sleep which I doubt I'll let myself get too much, but rest.  Finding time to stop and think and be still.

I finding myself at the end of 2nd period humming Be Still.  My heart smiles =D


Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still, know You are God
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong_united/still.html ]
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still, know You are God


=D

More than Enough

TL;DR - God is good.  Very thankful.

Despite our choices God knows what is best.  His timing, his choices despite our choices.  Was reminded of this song today, was once one of my favorite songs, though I'm not sure if I've ever fully accepted the truth of the statements made in this song.

I've always had a hard time singing songs who made outrageous claims... not that the claims are bad... but they are near impossible say in full honesty.  Has there been a time in my life I've said this?  Perhaps in a moment, a moment of brokenness, when he's taken everything away... I remember that time.  But it wasn't that I was seeing all this world had to offer and chose Him... it was that I looked at all that I had and saw nothing... and in that nothing He was the only thing I could see... or maybe more that in that moment of broken he was all I could bare to look at.

In Him comes peace.  In Him comes acceptance and worthiness.  In Him I find satisfaction and love.

Can we see this world and see it positively and see God as more?  Can we compare God to a decent world and choose God?  Or must we see the world as rubbish first?  Is it impossible to see the world favorably and still choose God?  It seems whenever I try to compare and I look to the world in any sort of favor... I devalue God.

Maybe only the wise can enjoy the fruits of this world without idolatry.  Wise, when the Lord is properly feared and revered.

"Enough"

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You're my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
Youre the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

My church had its annual Thanksgiving sharing.  I must admit that i struggled to be thankful in the moment.  I thought of many things of was dissatisfied with... I can't say it was purely sinful, but even in my frustrations, I could have contributed or been more thankful.  And so to bring balance to my world, I give thanks...

I did not elaborate on Taiwan because I had said it before, but things that good can always be said again.

Taiwan -- where God once again surpassed my expectation.  He blessed us in service.  He made himself known to us.  He showed us miracles.  He showed us his power and his grace.  His love and his mercy.  We were not perfect in our serve... but he blessed us no the less.  We did not go fully prepared, but he used us despite it.  He lacked love at time, but he covered over it with his.  In our timidity he opened the doors and made it easier for us.  God was good, too good, and none of us could deny it.

This year.  I'm thankful that he reminded me of the past.  This year I was able to reflect once again on the pains of the past.  There is still much to learn from my past.  It still hurts, quite regularly... but pain is said to remind us that we are still alive.  Pain reminds of our mistakes and the need to always be on guard.  Pain is necessary for growth.  So I thank God for the pain.  I just ask for his strength and grace that my pain will not grow into bitterness.  That the pain will spur only love and discipline rather than bitterness and strife.

I am thankful for my faithful brothers and sisters.  Ones that put me to shame.  When I complain and do nothing.  When I run when I should fight.  When I fight when I should be merciful.  When I speak in pride and act in arrogant.  For the the examples in my life that are constant explains of love, humility, patience and self-control.  For those the persevere through more than I could ever bear.  I thank God for them.  For my faithful friends who bear with me and understand me through my misplaced words and even when no words are said.  When my mistakes are forgiven and grace is shown.  They are irreplaceable.  For the ears they lend me in my moments of weakness.  For their honesty -- oh yes their honesty, when I must be put in my place.

A special thanks for friends far away -- friends in whom distance only makes the friendship sweeter.

For fellowship, sweet fellowship.

For family and a place to call home.

For my job my school and my coworkers -- who make each week a blessing.  It was never something I had planned but God had provided.  My students too =D.

Food oh the food.  Maybe more the friends I share my food (wait, I don't share my food... friends that eat with me =D)

And reminders that despite all this good, if it were taken away... He is more than enough.

Alone in silence.

Something I heard today gave me a very strong mental image.

To be alone in a mountain and not hear anything for miles... what a scary feeling...

Not my story, not my experience but a chilling thought.

The eeriness of silence mixed with the sense of isolation.  Its haunting.

Finances.

Retirement plans. 403b's.  Mutual Funds.  Annuities.  Building credit.  Saving money.  Inflation.  Load fees.  Interest rates.

I've been feeling more and more pressured to figure out what to do in terms of making sure I can support myself in the future.  I have numerous representatives trying to convince me that it is of my best interest to listen to them.

Some try to entice you with the possibility of being able to have the same income after you retire.

Some scare you with the dangers of the market and the need for more conservative safer choices.

Some say both and you really don't know what they stand for ha.

In the end, I don't really care that much.  One mentioned as a selling point that I could be withdrawing 80k per year when I retired, to which I thought... why would I do with 80k, I barely need half that ha.

Which reminds me to be thankful.  Thankful that I don't live paycheck to paycheck.  Thankful that I've never had to be concerned over finances.  I'm not rich, but I've never been poor.  Thankful, that I don't have to count pennies or even dollars.  In the same sense, I need to be careful, careful to be wise in my finances.  To not be irresponsible with my finances.  To be a good steward.  But in the same sense, not to over emphasize its importance.  In the end, money is a means to an end... it is not the end.  A treasure trove to retire on benefits no one.  There is much to use my resources with now.

High on life and Gingerbread latte.

Sips of Gingerbread latte every hour or so.  1 and a half hours of sleep.  155+ tests.

Grades entered before 6th period ended.  Win.

Department meeting followed by EL meeting.  Assistant Superintendent that's able to talk slowly and monotone while describe what is on a packet she just handed out.  No caloric intake since said Gingerbread latte from 7 am.  Walking out of the meetings 2 hours later.  Having the grades done and the lesson plans set for tomorrow.  Early trip home.  Win.

Trick to enjoying teaching --- make sure you love the day from 8-3.  Because you're gonna need something to get you through the 3-8 =D.

Agenda for the night:  Rest.  Choice Ribeye on sale.  Time to finally cook a meal for myself =D.

Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
    be pleasing in your sight,
    O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Gotta love a sharp sword

The power of His word.

I'll keep this brief cause I need to go read it and I need to sleep and hopefully in that order.

But just reminded today of the importance of memorization and being able to recall or reference it.  Appreciation for those that encouraged me to do so and kept me accountable.  Time to step it up again.

Hebrews 4:12

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Blogging. The ____ of Life

Blogging is a necessary part of my life.

That's an unusual statement.  I don't think anyone would ever agree that blogging is essential to life... yet as I was checking my blog updates, I found myself thinking... "I should blog... but I haven't thought about anything..." and there lies the problem... I haven't thought...

There are numerous things going on in my life right now.  There's enough going on tomorrow to capture my thoughts, where I could invest at least an hour thinking about.  Yet I don't.  I spend my time browsing the internet, watching tv or playing a game.  I let myself become busy with other things, I let my mind be lazy and not think.

The sad part of it is that I genuinely enjoy the times of thought.  I enjoy thinking and pondering.  Coming up with solutions and finding new revelations.  I enjoy learning and finding new revealing facts.  I like it when I realize something about myself, my past or a new vision for the future... yet I don't desire it.  I enjoy it but don't desire it... if I did, I would seek it earnestly and I find that to be true in many things in my life.


Blogging... yeah that's not necessary.  But for me --- journaling.  Finding that time of rest.  That moment of silence.  Where I can pray, evaluate and pray some more.  I need these times and I think that's something I haven't done enough over the last few years.  Teaching has left me fatigued and any moments I find resting on my bed tends to lead to sleep rather than journaling.  Time to find that journey again.  I've found a nice new pen to use and a journal I'm happy with.  Even got a nice new bible.  Time to start anew.

Teaching

Teaching.  Do I enjoy teaching?

In the context of my math classroom, I'm not sure.  High school teaching is a lot of babysitting.

Write down your homework.  Wake up.  Stop talking.  Copy this down.  Study for your test tomorrow.  Did you do your homework?  Did you bring your notebook?  Do you have a pencil?

That is how I describe the teaching aspect of the American classroom...  included with that is the planning and the grading... ugh ha.

Before this starts sounding like a rant... do I enjoy my job?  Yes, for the most part.  I love talking to the kids, even the obnoxious ones.  I love sharing the things that I've learned... I've love seeing when they acknowledge there is more to learn and room to grow...  is that always about math? Nope.

Today I address the class about an impatient driver on the way to work.

Honked impatiently at me cause I chose to not force my way into an intersection.  Turns out this driver was a employee of my school.  Later followed me through a turn where they did not have enough room essentially blocking the intersection.  Wanted to circumvent the normal line of cars and drove on the left side of the road on a crowded residential street to pass 3 cars turning right.  Proceeded through a stop sign without checking for the right of way, forcing two student pedestrians to stop and let the car pass in front of them before continuing across the street.

I address how we often behave similarly when we are late or in a rush.  For the sake of saving 15 secs, this lady proceeded to break 4 traffic laws and endanger the lives of the people around her... which to my frustration are the students she as an employee of CCUSD should be serving.  My point... its not worth it.  Especially since at the end of the trip, she forgot something in her car and I passed her on foot to my classroom proudly proclaiming to my class that after all she did to get in front of me into the school... I still beat her. -_-

They're so teachable.  They want to learn.  It makes me sad that sometimes all I have time to teach them is math.  There's so much more to life.  Their dramas with friends or boys or girls.  They frustrations with siblings or parents.  The stresses of a bad grade or a difficult class. The fears of college and not meeting expectations.  They've been trained to think that this life they call high school is the most important thing in their life right now... but is isn't.  Its important... but not everything.

Do I love teaching?  Not really.  I love people who love to learn and I love helping them learn.

Relationships.

Catchy title huh?

Was thinking more on the lines of friendships... but I've been hearing quite a few friends talking about their experiences with long distance relationships and the struggles and trials of it.  I don't tend to hear many positive things about it.  I'm sure there are... they probably just keep that to themselves or the sad facts of distance tend to pop out in their minds ha.

I was just reminded today how distance, especially in today's technology, does not and need not affect the quality of our friendships.  I have had friendships strengthen by distance.  Sometimes the distance or the busyness of life helps us appreciate what we once took for granted.

Wise words from a friend we haven't spoken to in a while.  The random gesture that we once took for granted but now so joyfully receive.  Distance may be painful at times, but it helps us appreciate it more to.

In the same light, proximity does not always lend itself to growth, productivity or healthiness.

Also there are friendships that require constant upkeep or they dwindle... while others seem to exist outside of time.  Time and distance keep the friendship at a pause only to be resumed once more.

Common denominator? (yay math term =D)  None of all that matters.  In the end its the friendship, the mutuality of it.  Its an investment of both sides.  Mutual love.  Similar or at least understood expectations.

That experience where words are not needed, no history needs to be recapped and nothing needs to be explained.  Things just continue where it left off as if there was no gap in between the last meeting.

Are these common?  Probably not.  I hope not, or else we'd take them for granted too. And so we treasure them.  And treasure them we should.  The rare, the priceless.

Prov 18:24 "A man of many companions may come to ruin,
    but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

A Reflection of Age

Wisdom.
I don't want to quite dive into the biblical definition of wisdom... "fear of the Lord"... but more the secular description...

Wisdom. "knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action"

Gaining experience that our perceptions change and we are able to better discern what is the best course of action. Over the last couples months, I've found myself reflecting on the past...  trying to learn from it, evaluating how I made my choices in the past and trying to decide how to proceed now in the present.

I found myself remember missteps I have made... missteps I was in danger of repeating.  Lessons I thought I had once learned, and learned once and for all... but sadly... from what I realize now... haven't been completely integrated in who I am now.

Wisdom.  Learning from past experienced and using it to make better choices.  That means that my past is still filled with a treasure trove of mistakes I have yet to learn from... or have foolishly forgotten.

Which leads to I guess the biblical form of wisdom.  The fear of God.  Recognizing God's sovereignty place and position in my life.  I think that can often be interpreted as having a fearful relationship with an intimidating God --- but I think the wisdom also includes an comforting understand that we are never alone.  God is with us.  He is present.

God uses our past mistakes to teach us.  At times He allows us to repeat those mistakes so that we learn from them.  The ultimate goal is that we grow and learn... and as we grow in wisdom, we are able to avoid repeating the same mistake in more difficult circumstances.

I think back on the past... I see the foolishness of the past and I see how much I've grown since then... but in the same reflection, I start seeing how much of that foolishness is still within me.  How many mistakes I either repeat or barely avoid and see how much more there is to grow...

alas that is life.  To live, to learn and grow.  I believe it was Howard Hendricks that said that the day you stop learning you stop living.

Prov 10:13

"Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning,
    but a rod is for the back of him who lacks judgment."

Sir, you know.

^{Rev 7:14-17}

¹⁴ I answered, “Sir, you know.”

And he said, “These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. ¹⁵ Therefore,

“they are before the throne of God
    and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them.
¹⁶ Never again will they hunger;
    never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat upon them,
    nor any scorching heat.
¹⁷ For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
    he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”

Memorized this verse back in high school with my discipler.  We always cracked up, cause to remember it from verse 14... you had to start with this random response... Sir you know...

Today we studied this passage in fellowship.  I can't remember the last time I read this passage... I don't believe I even really read it in context the first time I memorized it.  I just remember picking this passage cause I found it so encouraging... one of those... its almost too good to be true.

Never again. Never again.  And God iwll wipe away every tear form their eyes.  The promise to those who persevere.  To which we place our hope in.

Anger and Love

Spiritual Leadership by J. Oswald Sanders:

"Holy anger has its roots in genuine love."

"...holy anger is open to abuse."

"Bishop Butler teaches six conditions that make anger sinful:

• When, to favor a resentment or feud, we imagine an injury done to us
• When an injury done to us becomes, in our minds, greater than it really is
• When, without real injury, we feel resentment on account of pain or inconvenience
• When indignation rises too high, and overwhelms our ability to restrain
• When we gratify resentments by causing main or harm out of revenge
• When we are so perplexed and angry at sin in our own lives that we readily project anger at the sin we find in others.

Eph 4:26 - "In your anger do not sin"

Genuine love.  "Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love"

Old Poems. Old Prayers.

Dated: January 12, 2010.  Good ole Xanga.

Sadly, I don't exactly know the truth to my own poem ha.  ... perhaps I do... if it meant what it means now... its applies very nicely...  Same poem.  Same prayer.

To Days Gone by

To Days Gone By

Beneath the scars that remain
Time that cuts ever deep
Wounds, fresh as their beginning

Strength not to heal
Flesh knowing no wisdom
Wounds which resist the change of seasons

Tear open these wounds
Flesh to breathe again the air

Balm to soothe
Flesh to heal
And scars remain no longer.

-J. Wong

--
Lord we know the wounds we have bear a purpose, to teach us, challenge us and remind us. But some we hold ourselves, to our desires, in pettiness, jealous and bitterness. Help us distinguish between the two, that we may -- in even our wounds, live and love for you.

Waiting for 20/20.

"Hindsight is 20/20" doesn't seem quite as accurate and I'm sure most people in the legal field disagree with this statement.  My vision of the past is definitely clearer than it once was.  I have a wider perspective, a more knowledgeable vision and more time to analyze what I see.  Unfortunately, with that improvement, I lose the ability to analyze details, the images blur at times and anything I failed to see remains hidden from my sight.

I have had many discussions with various people on how we should respond to the past.  The two extremes seem to fall into these categories:  a) forget and move on or b) remember, reflect and learn.

I think there is a need for both at times.  I think the end goal is to be able to remember, analyze and learn from our past, but we're not always ready to do that.  Some memories are painful and we need time to heal before we can dive back into the past and reflect.  Some memories are flawed and only remain because we hold on to some sense of injustice... but that tends to grow into bitterness and carries no positive gains --- those we must forget till we're ready to reflect back and learn from our mistakes.

Our vision of the past tends to clarify with wisdom and maturity.  So the past can be a treasure trove of experiences... a collection of ones we weren't quite ready to use just yet.

Prov 1:1-7

1 The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:

² for attaining wisdom and discipline;
    for understanding words of insight;
³ for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life,
    doing what is right and just and fair;
⁴ for giving prudence to the simple,
    knowledge and discretion to the young—
⁵ let the wise listen and add to their learning,
    and let the discerning get guidance—
⁶ for understanding proverbs and parables,
    the sayings and riddles of the wise.

⁷ The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,

    but fools^[a] despise wisdom and discipline.

Bubbles Bubbles Bubbles.

Mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mama said...

ha.

I spent many nights out tonight in meetings and meet ups and such... that left little time for grading during normal hours...  This meant trying to cram in grading times late at night...  I also didn't realize how the nights have gotten colder, especially with the crazy winds in West LA this past week.

Lack of sleep, colder nights...  i could sense the sickness kicking in... sore throat... warmer forehead... slowly growing over the last 3 days.

Today I woke up knowing... its gonna be one of those days.  I'm not sick.  I can't stay home.  My classes have Tuesday tests and they aren't ready.  There's work to be done.

But Days like this make question why I choose to be a teacher, yet they also make me choose to be a teacher.

Their apathy.  Their lack of concern for the impending test.  Their Friday attitudes that they can't wait to get out.  More easily distracted.  More talkative.  Less structured, less organized.  All of this...added to lack of sleep and being slightly sick tested my patience.

James 1:19 - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

A telling moment in my classroom today.  An obnoxious yawn, loud... and definitely rude.  Now I know my kids... they are rude, obnoxious and have no manners whatsoever.  So I knew from this student, that he wasn't purposely trying to be disrespectful... or even rude.  He doesn't try to be rude... he's just... rude by nature ha.  He can't help it.  He doesn't intend to be rude or obnoxious even to his own peers, but its part of his personality.

So normally, i make sure to address it in class, express my displeasure but do not take offense to it.  Yet today, it was not the first of many disruptions to test my patience... my patience was wearing thin... and this ... this pissed me off.  It felt intentioned... I was disrespected... i turned to the face the student... and I stopped.  Instead of a yell, or trying to show my displeasure through a display of authority... I had a short 30 sec discussion on today's society... today's generation... their generation... my generation of how we have lost our common courtesy...

We as a society are rude.  We are self-centered and are unwilling to show much care for others if it requires much from us.  And there are always students, that share my sentiment and agree.  There are ones that acknowledge the discussion and learn something and there are the ones that fail to see the purpose of the discussion, to which I will probably hear them yawn again...  and so... rather than respond in anger... i tend to respond in sadness...

saddened that I am not surprised... saddened that they disappoint me.  Hopefully they will have grown by the end of the year.  I just have to remind myself, in my moment of least patience, ...

they are high schoolers after all.  Time to go.  Lunch is over.  5th period calls.  Smile =D.

Happy Passages

1 Peter 1:3-9
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

I read this passage this afternoon.  Then I read it again.  I slowed down, backtracked quite a bit and reread it again.

I had a lot of difficulty reading this passage.  I wasn't sure why I struggled with this passage.  It wasn't a particularly difficult passage to read.  The language was any more complicated than other biblical passages.  The message was pretty straight forward... so what was the problem?

Maybe I was having trouble focusing, maybe there was other things on my mind at the time...Or maybe it sounded too good to be true.  It was too simple.  The promises too good.

An inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. Faith shielded by God's power.  Faith that when refined by fire may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor.  Filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.

The cynic in me looked for the catch, the loophole.  Or maybe out of guilt that I have not been enduring as faithfully.  Ashamed at all I've been blessed with.

These things aside... God is awesome.  Despite me.  In spite of me.

The faith that is worth greater than worth is not one I have developed myself... any faith that I have... is given to me by God himself.  Given new life.  Chosen.  Born into this inheritance that cannot spoil or fade.  A faith that is shielded for me, that I may result in praise, glory and honor... not for me.  But for Him who supplies the faith.  Its all about Him.  What He gives and gives so freely.  He gives. And I am thankful.

Its all about you. =D

Contentment

I've always taken pride in the fact that materialism was never a big struggle for me.  I could find contentment in what I owned and rarely lusted or pursued anything outside my means.  Part of this could be explained also in that I can't really say I've ever had to experienced what it felt to be in dire need...  I've lived a comfortable life.

But it isn't some Godly virtue that allows me to resist the temptations of materialism... its just that I don't find satisfaction in them.  They have no influence in my self-worth.  I take pride in finding a good sale or making a wise choice, or even resisting making a purchase... those temptations test my will, but the actual object has never really have much importance in my life.

I've recently been looking into watches... they are an expensive hobby to collect.  If costs were not a factor, this is the watch I would buy for myself.  Unforunately, I cannot justify $1500+ for a watch I will probably take very poor care of.

Even considering a lesser watch, a painful process...  I'd like a nice watch to wear on special occasions...

... I guess that was a long intro... but to the topic of contentment...

There is so much more than just materialism and these trouble me.  Being content in all aspects of life.  Content in my family.  Content in my friends.  Content in my abilities, my education, my job, my amount of free time, my sleep... my church, my fellowship, my service...

so many aspects and many of these leave me up at night...

The biggest of these for recent years has been my relationships with my friends... or lack there of...

I used to consider myself an introvert, i think I've leaned more towards moderate end.  I like smaller groups and I definitely desire intimacy, unadulterated honesty.  Openness without inhibition.  Friendships without games, facades or falsehood.  Anything less leaves me discontent.  Do I set my standards for my friendships too high?  Am I to settle for less?  Neither?

Settle sounds bad.  I think it is a good thing to desire more, but I must not dismiss the friendships that are less, but appreciate them for what they are, seeking to improve them.

I should have realized long ago, how relationally dependant I am.  Genernally, one with a small closeknit group.  hmmm... that's what I normally have... a small close knit group... and that sounds like a good thing... so why am I discontent?  What do I have?

New Beginnings.

Today was a day of beginnings.

14 newly baptized.  Celebrations of birthdays.  Today was a good yet, looking back it was a great day... yet for the last 3 hours I've been lost...

I can't describe this feeling... it's not that I haven't felt it before, but that it's been such a long time that it's now foreign to me.  Lost, looking for something to free me from this...

It's late.  I should be sleeping.  But I look to my blog... or at least, what was once my blog.

My last post was June 27th, 2011.  I'm not sure what was going on in my life during that time... I had just finished my first year at Culver City.

Now its Oct. 22th, 2012. And my thoughts from the past, seem to eerily fit my mood tonight.  If you found your way to this blog and managed to read it to here... I'd ask that you pray for me.

Pray for joy, for peace, for wisdom and understand.  Pray that I may acknowledge God's role in my life.

If this post is too vague for you, feel free to ask me for details.  Just be warned the explanation may not be brief.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain