Old Poems. Old Prayers.

Dated: January 12, 2010.  Good ole Xanga.

Sadly, I don't exactly know the truth to my own poem ha.  ... perhaps I do... if it meant what it means now... its applies very nicely...  Same poem.  Same prayer.

To Days Gone by

To Days Gone By

Beneath the scars that remain
Time that cuts ever deep
Wounds, fresh as their beginning

Strength not to heal
Flesh knowing no wisdom
Wounds which resist the change of seasons

Tear open these wounds
Flesh to breathe again the air

Balm to soothe
Flesh to heal
And scars remain no longer.

-J. Wong

--
Lord we know the wounds we have bear a purpose, to teach us, challenge us and remind us. But some we hold ourselves, to our desires, in pettiness, jealous and bitterness. Help us distinguish between the two, that we may -- in even our wounds, live and love for you.

Waiting for 20/20.

"Hindsight is 20/20" doesn't seem quite as accurate and I'm sure most people in the legal field disagree with this statement.  My vision of the past is definitely clearer than it once was.  I have a wider perspective, a more knowledgeable vision and more time to analyze what I see.  Unfortunately, with that improvement, I lose the ability to analyze details, the images blur at times and anything I failed to see remains hidden from my sight.

I have had many discussions with various people on how we should respond to the past.  The two extremes seem to fall into these categories:  a) forget and move on or b) remember, reflect and learn.

I think there is a need for both at times.  I think the end goal is to be able to remember, analyze and learn from our past, but we're not always ready to do that.  Some memories are painful and we need time to heal before we can dive back into the past and reflect.  Some memories are flawed and only remain because we hold on to some sense of injustice... but that tends to grow into bitterness and carries no positive gains --- those we must forget till we're ready to reflect back and learn from our mistakes.

Our vision of the past tends to clarify with wisdom and maturity.  So the past can be a treasure trove of experiences... a collection of ones we weren't quite ready to use just yet.

Prov 1:1-7

1 The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:

² for attaining wisdom and discipline;
    for understanding words of insight;
³ for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life,
    doing what is right and just and fair;
⁴ for giving prudence to the simple,
    knowledge and discretion to the young—
⁵ let the wise listen and add to their learning,
    and let the discerning get guidance—
⁶ for understanding proverbs and parables,
    the sayings and riddles of the wise.

⁷ The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,

    but fools^[a] despise wisdom and discipline.

Bubbles Bubbles Bubbles.

Mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mama said...

ha.

I spent many nights out tonight in meetings and meet ups and such... that left little time for grading during normal hours...  This meant trying to cram in grading times late at night...  I also didn't realize how the nights have gotten colder, especially with the crazy winds in West LA this past week.

Lack of sleep, colder nights...  i could sense the sickness kicking in... sore throat... warmer forehead... slowly growing over the last 3 days.

Today I woke up knowing... its gonna be one of those days.  I'm not sick.  I can't stay home.  My classes have Tuesday tests and they aren't ready.  There's work to be done.

But Days like this make question why I choose to be a teacher, yet they also make me choose to be a teacher.

Their apathy.  Their lack of concern for the impending test.  Their Friday attitudes that they can't wait to get out.  More easily distracted.  More talkative.  Less structured, less organized.  All of this...added to lack of sleep and being slightly sick tested my patience.

James 1:19 - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

A telling moment in my classroom today.  An obnoxious yawn, loud... and definitely rude.  Now I know my kids... they are rude, obnoxious and have no manners whatsoever.  So I knew from this student, that he wasn't purposely trying to be disrespectful... or even rude.  He doesn't try to be rude... he's just... rude by nature ha.  He can't help it.  He doesn't intend to be rude or obnoxious even to his own peers, but its part of his personality.

So normally, i make sure to address it in class, express my displeasure but do not take offense to it.  Yet today, it was not the first of many disruptions to test my patience... my patience was wearing thin... and this ... this pissed me off.  It felt intentioned... I was disrespected... i turned to the face the student... and I stopped.  Instead of a yell, or trying to show my displeasure through a display of authority... I had a short 30 sec discussion on today's society... today's generation... their generation... my generation of how we have lost our common courtesy...

We as a society are rude.  We are self-centered and are unwilling to show much care for others if it requires much from us.  And there are always students, that share my sentiment and agree.  There are ones that acknowledge the discussion and learn something and there are the ones that fail to see the purpose of the discussion, to which I will probably hear them yawn again...  and so... rather than respond in anger... i tend to respond in sadness...

saddened that I am not surprised... saddened that they disappoint me.  Hopefully they will have grown by the end of the year.  I just have to remind myself, in my moment of least patience, ...

they are high schoolers after all.  Time to go.  Lunch is over.  5th period calls.  Smile =D.

Happy Passages

1 Peter 1:3-9
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

I read this passage this afternoon.  Then I read it again.  I slowed down, backtracked quite a bit and reread it again.

I had a lot of difficulty reading this passage.  I wasn't sure why I struggled with this passage.  It wasn't a particularly difficult passage to read.  The language was any more complicated than other biblical passages.  The message was pretty straight forward... so what was the problem?

Maybe I was having trouble focusing, maybe there was other things on my mind at the time...Or maybe it sounded too good to be true.  It was too simple.  The promises too good.

An inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. Faith shielded by God's power.  Faith that when refined by fire may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor.  Filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.

The cynic in me looked for the catch, the loophole.  Or maybe out of guilt that I have not been enduring as faithfully.  Ashamed at all I've been blessed with.

These things aside... God is awesome.  Despite me.  In spite of me.

The faith that is worth greater than worth is not one I have developed myself... any faith that I have... is given to me by God himself.  Given new life.  Chosen.  Born into this inheritance that cannot spoil or fade.  A faith that is shielded for me, that I may result in praise, glory and honor... not for me.  But for Him who supplies the faith.  Its all about Him.  What He gives and gives so freely.  He gives. And I am thankful.

Its all about you. =D

Contentment

I've always taken pride in the fact that materialism was never a big struggle for me.  I could find contentment in what I owned and rarely lusted or pursued anything outside my means.  Part of this could be explained also in that I can't really say I've ever had to experienced what it felt to be in dire need...  I've lived a comfortable life.

But it isn't some Godly virtue that allows me to resist the temptations of materialism... its just that I don't find satisfaction in them.  They have no influence in my self-worth.  I take pride in finding a good sale or making a wise choice, or even resisting making a purchase... those temptations test my will, but the actual object has never really have much importance in my life.

I've recently been looking into watches... they are an expensive hobby to collect.  If costs were not a factor, this is the watch I would buy for myself.  Unforunately, I cannot justify $1500+ for a watch I will probably take very poor care of.

Even considering a lesser watch, a painful process...  I'd like a nice watch to wear on special occasions...

... I guess that was a long intro... but to the topic of contentment...

There is so much more than just materialism and these trouble me.  Being content in all aspects of life.  Content in my family.  Content in my friends.  Content in my abilities, my education, my job, my amount of free time, my sleep... my church, my fellowship, my service...

so many aspects and many of these leave me up at night...

The biggest of these for recent years has been my relationships with my friends... or lack there of...

I used to consider myself an introvert, i think I've leaned more towards moderate end.  I like smaller groups and I definitely desire intimacy, unadulterated honesty.  Openness without inhibition.  Friendships without games, facades or falsehood.  Anything less leaves me discontent.  Do I set my standards for my friendships too high?  Am I to settle for less?  Neither?

Settle sounds bad.  I think it is a good thing to desire more, but I must not dismiss the friendships that are less, but appreciate them for what they are, seeking to improve them.

I should have realized long ago, how relationally dependant I am.  Genernally, one with a small closeknit group.  hmmm... that's what I normally have... a small close knit group... and that sounds like a good thing... so why am I discontent?  What do I have?

New Beginnings.

Today was a day of beginnings.

14 newly baptized.  Celebrations of birthdays.  Today was a good yet, looking back it was a great day... yet for the last 3 hours I've been lost...

I can't describe this feeling... it's not that I haven't felt it before, but that it's been such a long time that it's now foreign to me.  Lost, looking for something to free me from this...

It's late.  I should be sleeping.  But I look to my blog... or at least, what was once my blog.

My last post was June 27th, 2011.  I'm not sure what was going on in my life during that time... I had just finished my first year at Culver City.

Now its Oct. 22th, 2012. And my thoughts from the past, seem to eerily fit my mood tonight.  If you found your way to this blog and managed to read it to here... I'd ask that you pray for me.

Pray for joy, for peace, for wisdom and understand.  Pray that I may acknowledge God's role in my life.

If this post is too vague for you, feel free to ask me for details.  Just be warned the explanation may not be brief.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain