Contentment

I've always taken pride in the fact that materialism was never a big struggle for me.  I could find contentment in what I owned and rarely lusted or pursued anything outside my means.  Part of this could be explained also in that I can't really say I've ever had to experienced what it felt to be in dire need...  I've lived a comfortable life.

But it isn't some Godly virtue that allows me to resist the temptations of materialism... its just that I don't find satisfaction in them.  They have no influence in my self-worth.  I take pride in finding a good sale or making a wise choice, or even resisting making a purchase... those temptations test my will, but the actual object has never really have much importance in my life.

I've recently been looking into watches... they are an expensive hobby to collect.  If costs were not a factor, this is the watch I would buy for myself.  Unforunately, I cannot justify $1500+ for a watch I will probably take very poor care of.

Even considering a lesser watch, a painful process...  I'd like a nice watch to wear on special occasions...

... I guess that was a long intro... but to the topic of contentment...

There is so much more than just materialism and these trouble me.  Being content in all aspects of life.  Content in my family.  Content in my friends.  Content in my abilities, my education, my job, my amount of free time, my sleep... my church, my fellowship, my service...

so many aspects and many of these leave me up at night...

The biggest of these for recent years has been my relationships with my friends... or lack there of...

I used to consider myself an introvert, i think I've leaned more towards moderate end.  I like smaller groups and I definitely desire intimacy, unadulterated honesty.  Openness without inhibition.  Friendships without games, facades or falsehood.  Anything less leaves me discontent.  Do I set my standards for my friendships too high?  Am I to settle for less?  Neither?

Settle sounds bad.  I think it is a good thing to desire more, but I must not dismiss the friendships that are less, but appreciate them for what they are, seeking to improve them.

I should have realized long ago, how relationally dependant I am.  Genernally, one with a small closeknit group.  hmmm... that's what I normally have... a small close knit group... and that sounds like a good thing... so why am I discontent?  What do I have?